This may be my last blog post here for the indeterminable future.

So for those that have read these few blogs I have written, thank you.

When does strength become less than strength? When does being strong become detrimental to a person’s wellbeing?

As I have stated in an earlier blog post that early on in life I was told to, “be strong.” Being strong is very broad and has multiple meanings depend on who you ask. For some it means that no matter what you don’t quit when you fail. For others it can mean that you need to be more than how you started as.

Yet there is the other aspect of strength. The aspect where being strong in itself is a weakness. And so here goes the post. Please pardon if I wind my way around and do not make myself too clear on this subject.

To be strong for me started off as meaning, don’t show others that you are shy, bashful, lost in who you are. Don’t show that you notice the stares and comments around you. That you need to confront those that stare or ask why you look the way you do.

How does a 3 or 4 year old child suppose to cope with that? Unfortunately I internalized it as meaning that weakness is bad. Weakness is not acceptable and should not be shown. And now almost being 30 I am fighting hard to dislodged what is ingrained into my psyche yet also suffering because of it.

It has always been hard for me to be strng for myself. To have a balance of sorts even if it is a misaligned balance that will never reach equilibrium in this lifetime.

As a teen what little equilibrium I had shot out and away from me. That burden of having to be strong and never letting myself be vulnerable and weak. I spiraled down deep, hard and fast into a severe depreession that lasted several years without anyone noticing before I finally got diagnosed. That is just one example of strength equating to weakness.

I have a wonderful love kajira I love with all my heart. There is no one else in this world I rather be with more than life itself. It is nearing two years now and I am suffering because of my inability to be freely weak and vulnerable. I am hurting because of myself.

I have been strong for myself and am used to the burdens that come with it though wish I never had to live with the burden that strength brings with it.To allow myself to be more open is a change I desperately need yet perhaps too late in life for me to make.

Anyhow…for the last two years I have for the most part put my own emotional and mental needs aside so I can be her safe haven during those many rough months. Yes, I intentionally set my own needs aside for her. Would I do it all over again? Yes. Mentally and emotionally I have done a lot more harm to myself having to be the strong one in our relationship. It has been difficult and very hard yet life without my love kajirais just a shadow of an existence.

Just at the moment I am now lost. I feel so old now. I feel the ages of time and the world with no place for me to go. I cannot hide, not even for a little while. For I am weak in my strength….