Lately, have been dealing with the curse that seems to hit the male side of the Wilde family. And the curse of the Wilde family is when sheer stupdity hits in. Which, that alone is bad enough. Add a brain whom likes to turn off my short term memory at inopportune times I tend to come out looking and feeling like a simpleton. 

Unfortunately my kajira’s ex displayed lack of listening to her. I, right now, am feeling downright insecure about myself. I usually take pride in doing everything right yet when the Wilde curse strikes, simple tasks I need help with.

Frustrated with myself. Insecure. Feeling like an idiot….

That’s it for now.

So for those that have read these few blogs I have written, thank you.

When does strength become less than strength? When does being strong become detrimental to a person’s wellbeing?

As I have stated in an earlier blog post that early on in life I was told to, “be strong.” Being strong is very broad and has multiple meanings depend on who you ask. For some it means that no matter what you don’t quit when you fail. For others it can mean that you need to be more than how you started as.

Yet there is the other aspect of strength. The aspect where being strong in itself is a weakness. And so here goes the post. Please pardon if I wind my way around and do not make myself too clear on this subject.

To be strong for me started off as meaning, don’t show others that you are shy, bashful, lost in who you are. Don’t show that you notice the stares and comments around you. That you need to confront those that stare or ask why you look the way you do.

How does a 3 or 4 year old child suppose to cope with that? Unfortunately I internalized it as meaning that weakness is bad. Weakness is not acceptable and should not be shown. And now almost being 30 I am fighting hard to dislodged what is ingrained into my psyche yet also suffering because of it.

It has always been hard for me to be strng for myself. To have a balance of sorts even if it is a misaligned balance that will never reach equilibrium in this lifetime.

As a teen what little equilibrium I had shot out and away from me. That burden of having to be strong and never letting myself be vulnerable and weak. I spiraled down deep, hard and fast into a severe depreession that lasted several years without anyone noticing before I finally got diagnosed. That is just one example of strength equating to weakness.

I have a wonderful love kajira I love with all my heart. There is no one else in this world I rather be with more than life itself. It is nearing two years now and I am suffering because of my inability to be freely weak and vulnerable. I am hurting because of myself.

I have been strong for myself and am used to the burdens that come with it though wish I never had to live with the burden that strength brings with it.To allow myself to be more open is a change I desperately need yet perhaps too late in life for me to make.

Anyhow…for the last two years I have for the most part put my own emotional and mental needs aside so I can be her safe haven during those many rough months. Yes, I intentionally set my own needs aside for her. Would I do it all over again? Yes. Mentally and emotionally I have done a lot more harm to myself having to be the strong one in our relationship. It has been difficult and very hard yet life without my love kajirais just a shadow of an existence.

Just at the moment I am now lost. I feel so old now. I feel the ages of time and the world with no place for me to go. I cannot hide, not even for a little while. For I am weak in my strength….

Forget about the guilt, shame and sadness for this is a new beginning.

Forget about those that have done you irrevocably wrong and welcome those that give you strength and friendship.

This is a new year.

A new year to begin anew.

A new year to be true to yourself and others.

A new year to be reborn into the person you deserve and are wroth being.

So this year let it start off fresh and new. Let it be not of the failures of the past, but of hope and happiness of what has yet to come.

This is a new year. A new day. A new you.

Let us welcome 2011 together in happiness, joy and as a global family.

Happy 2011 everyone.

Yes, most would have run, yet if I had ran away, I doubt I be able to stand the sight of my reflection looking back at Me in the mirror.  For I saw something beautiful within My love kajira when we first chatted. And yes, what I see in her is still there and more brilliant in radiance. As I have alluded to above, that we been through very rough emotional times together and at times I have had to be the very foundation for which she is able to stand.

My love kajira is free from a “man” that has no honor, no integrity, no respect for anyone but himself. He has made no effort to pay any child maintenance towards the boys, never calls to speak for the boys or to show concern when they are sick. He is everything short of a Man. He has time over time again lied about things inside and outside the court just to hurt My love kajira. Worse of all, he has lied to his own boys about her. Thank goodness we can prove that he speaks no truth except when it is convenient for him.

S yes, I have had to be there for My love kajira many a time over these many months. But yet I would not trade it for anything. For her boys are looking forward to My first visit there for Christmas and I have My love kajira waiting for her Love Master to come home. And I am blessed for that.

Within this next year I shall be leaving the United States for the United Kingdom. So no doubt there will be a huge culture shock to get through. I shall have to learn and comprehend english even if it i My first and only language, lol. Yet it shall be worth it. For My love kajira and her two boys are my family. And I mean “family” in the deepest, most precious and intimate of ways that could be said and understood it to mean.

So a new year to come and new challenges to overcome. Adapt. Overcome. Conquer.

For those interested, my pic can be found up on fetlife under the same username that I use here. So the pic and the multi-part posts go hand in hand. Hm, and I guess to answer this question I need to delve more into my past history.

As stated in the multi-part blog about myself, I was born with multiple birth defects. And yes, on occasion I do have moments where my short-term memory goes (huge pain and inconvenience) and moments when my long-term memory goes (Not a big deal for me). But before I started maturing at a young age I was lost. Lost in that I did not know who or what I was for myself. I knew very clearly I was different yet didn’t quite understand how. And yes, I was very meek and shy, bashful waaaay back then.

I suppose it was when I was 16 that I knew myself fully for what I was. Though at that time I was going through the very beginning of a two year severe depression stint.  It is one of those contradictory situation I suppose, for amidst the turmoil of sorrow, hate, jealousy, selfish pride, heart wrenching pain I found peace. Yeah yeah, like I just said, contradictory. And what better way to learn patience then during a struggle within yourself? Sorry if I am sounding a bit, not insulting…the word escapes me at the moment.

Growing up I have never had many close friends. Sure, in high school I was in on every group yet was never truly a part of any one group. I have always had a very small group of friends and that was it. I have always been a loner at heart for all that I have been through. So finding BDSM online by yahoo chatrooms at the age of 18 was exciting and different. Taboo. Was the start to understanding myself more completely.

Yet, the year I spent in BDSM there was an empty part of me. After awhile I would switch from BDSM chatroom to BDSM chatroom until I was more a spook than a participant. Well, the true journey started when I found about Gor. It wasmy homecoming to say it lightly.

And know what? I have a beautiful love kajira that I am coming home to in this coming year. And I have not regretted the hardships I undergone with her for it has helped me as I have helped her grow. Yeah, yeah….masochist for pain of all sorts I am. But there is nothing new there!

So whether this answers the question for the Masters or not I do not know. Just this is the best answer I can give using my interpretation of the question asked. Enjoy.

This quote was just a notion of inspiration in its birthing in my mind. In many ways it states the good and bad times in my life. Though now it has changed a great deal. For the majority of my life, happiness was very rare commodity. When those moment happened, they were never taken for granted even if they were very fleeting in length. Most times those moments were fleeting. Yet having been born just shy above being poor, having many disadvantages growing up and having to deal with a family where stability was never guaranteed, happiness is coming in a flood now.

Unfortunately I am very much a loner in my adult life, yet get along with just about everyone. Yet I am blessed. I am blessed that I have a woman in my life that is very much my twinsoul as well as love kajira. Together we share the good and bad times and even the challenges that come with a relationship that spans 4500 miles between us. It can be hard emotionally at times yet the bond between kajiradreams {dina} and I goes to soul depth. What matters is that she can come to me anytime she wishes and needs it, whether online or by a simple phone call and knows that I am always strong for her.

As her Master, I try to share our burdens with her, while other burdens I have to take upon myself solely to deal with. Yes, sometimes those burdens weigh quite a lot upon my heart and soul. Yet in the end I am working towards uniting us not as just Love Master and loveslave, but as a family that includes the two boys. And so the darkness of night is easily a burden for me to deal with for I know many days ahead are filled with happiness, joy, and love.

   By the time we arrived home at my apartment it was just a bit after 11 p.m. yet despite the long day and the stresses we were both under before our first physical contact, we shared an intimacy that was breathtaking yet of lovers that were insatiable for that first consummation of the relationship. Passion and intimacy that came with ease and grace of two people that knew one another at a level that supersedes the possible as it may be. And yes, perfectly matched physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. A match that is very hard to find yet people do every single day.

   During her first homecoming I gave her a necklace with a padlock upon it; My collar. If you are a reader of her blog you will know full well how to find the post that mentions a necklace with a padlock on it. That moment one of many changes occurred within my love kajira. That change being of letting go of her independence fully and completely. To see that change with My own eyes is a moment that I shall cherish for the rest of My life. For it was then that she truly understood that she was physically owned in all ways. The grace that exuded from her in that moment, the love that came into her eyes then I will never forget.

   The point that I am trying to communicate is this: That true love is very hard to find and to keep, yet not impossible when two individuals know the whisperings of their hearts and souls. And when true love is found between Love Master and love kajira there is no bond stronger nor deeper than it. For only when love’s roots have grown strong and deep can both individuals act and think and believe in such a way that both complement one another so intimately. Within that, completeness is felt. Completeness of all a person is and shall be. Two bodies with a single heart and soul…..

It is one thing to possess a kajira and to possess well, meeting the needs and shaping her to your own needs. Yet to possess a kajira that shares a soul deep and intrinsicate connection with her Master, to know her thoughts and to feel her emotions is a Mastery that requires the utmost care and the highest responsibility. Yet it is a connection that comes from each having half of a whole soul.  Aye, I am a very happy Man in having my rightful kajira. Yes, she freely acknowledges and understands her need and happiness in serving Me as her Master. In her own words, she was “born to serve” her Love Master. Aye, she proves that statement each and everyday without fail about how much she needs to serve Me without hiding or fear.

There is no doubt that IE (Internal Enslavement) is there within her. Am I proud to have her that way, to know and feel her slavery so clearly? Yes, I am truly and deeply happy and proud that my love kajira is bound to me in ways that a normal collar could never reflect truly on a love kajira. There is no question nor even doubt of her loyalty and commitment for I see and feel it each new day. Whether she is awake or asleep, I am with her and come April I shall finally claim her as mine….and yes, shall enjoy unwrapping my birthday present a bit early. For she is truly the very best birthday present a Master could ever receive!

Aye, there is a reason that a Love Master needs to be strong when it comes to a love kajira. For it is easy, too easy, to meld the two individuals into one. It is difficult at times to keep Master and kajira boundaries marked clear when you care beyond words about that kajira. It take an uncanny strength to not compromise when you think that it may be good to give in a little bit. Yet as her Master, I do not have the choice in that. For if I start to compromise, My mastery would not be as complete as she needs it to be.

The pain I feel right now stems from the physical distance from her and the pain of what she is going through in her homelife. The pain comes from the strong connection My kajira and I share. The pain of not having a way to protect her from the pain of an impending divorce. Yet I persevere because I must for the sake of her and the two boys. I must persevere because I have fought for every little thing I have in my life. I fight because she had awakened within me hopes and dreams that long lay dormant. I fight because I can bear the pain and suffering  she is dealing with right now and still have strength to be the Man she needs Me to be.

Aye, the pain of this moment burns brightly but I have overcome pain greater and more worse than this. And I will be damned to give up on My kajira for I know how damn lucky I am she came into my life.

I know any lesser Man would be questioning why if I can feel her pain so clearly do I just walk away. Well, my answer is this. Any lesser Man may not have the courage and strength to stay and to make a kajira more in who and what she is. I do. I have seen my kajira for all that she is and is becoming from the first moments we have spoken. I have seen her, seen into her heart and soul and knew that she was mine, then and there. I am responsible for her and accept that she is mine in totality and whole. Even if I had the choice to walk away, I would turn it down. For any Man that cannot see what I can within my kajira is foolish and ignorant. For I see a woman that is beautiful and precious. A mother that is truly loving and caring. A kajira that aches and needs to serve her Master from the heart and soul everyday. I see a person that I have immense pride in. For she is not just my love kajira but also bestfriend, lover, confidante and my angel.